ADHD Dad-When Is The Right Time To Have Kids?

I was talking to a client who was newly married and the question came up about kids. He asked the age old question “when do you think its the right time to have kids?”

I responded “never, its never the right time” and here is why…

For years I kept thinking that I was not ready for kids. It felt too overwhelming. And I am here to tell you that it is. It is everything I was afraid of and so much more. Don’t get me wrong, they are the light of my life. I could not imagine life without my kiddo. But the maturity, self regulation, financial wealth, emotionally stability all felt WAY far off for me. No matter the relationship or job I had,  I was never ready and could never see myself as a dad. I knew I wanted to be one, but I really could not imagine the conditions of my life being conducive to kids. No matter what I was doing or what age I was.

When I found out my wife was pregnant, I was elated. I was super excited. For about a week. Then it all really set in. I had to completely change everything about my viewpoint of the world. Basically, this meant less about “me”.

When my partner and I talk about life before our kid, its with a lot of romance and nostalgia. Its like we forgot all of the fights, neediness, constant feeling of “there has to be more” and striving to always get “more”. In reality, a friend said it best.. she could not wait till “we had more to think about then just our own survival”. And she was right. The timing was never right because its like being afraid of heights knowing that at some point, you will have to sky dive. You keep putting it off, as putting it off, sure feels safer then going through the fear and experience that horrible feeling of willingly (seemingly) to jump to your death. But you arrive at that point and it just “happens”.

Let me put this plainly. YOU WILL NEVER BE READY. AND THERE IS NEVER A GOOD TIME.

Really, no matter where you are in life, there will never be a better time than right now. Once it was “on” I went into a mode I had not experienced yet. A true provider. I became very curious on how to expand my career and be in a secure job with insurance, salary, and semi meaningful work. Finding a better place to live became a bigger priority. Learning to rein in my spending, and start saving became a skill. Once I saw a baby on the way, it really became me preparing for the “right time” and that time was when that baby drew its first breath.

Certainly, I did not check off all of the boxes for an expectant dad. Nor did I support my wife the way she should have been supported most of the time. In fact, it’s a miracle to me that we have stayed married and raised a pretty darn good kid despite my self centeredness. She really is a saint. Secondly, if I had done it perfectly, I would have had nothing to write about. My whole goal is to help one dad by exposing my deficiencies as much as I can talk about my successes.

There will never be enough money, opportunity, time or state in life, where a screaming infant will fit in perfectly. It’s a myth. Because when its 3am and the baby is on night 10 of waking up every hour on the hour, I cannot think of when in there it felt like the “right time”. And the funny part is the delusion that we can just “pick” the time. In fact, we tried , on purpose.. for years. It was hell. And when he drew his first breath, I can tell you, it did not feel like the right time. The weight of the responsibility of which I was now to shoulder was heavy. You will be holding, literally, a life in your hands. It’s a tall order. And it requires all of the emotional stability, resoluteness, reflectiveness, self compassion you can muster. And you can only muster that in the heat of the battle. At 3am during those long first nights, you find your true self. You will rise and shine because its not about you. Its about this little life you brought into this world and an unending desire to connect with and love it.  Certainly, there are a lot of challenging moments. Times when it feels like you will be stuck in a phase for eternity. I can tell you that just tonight, we drove home from LA to San Diego with a three-year-old who had not napped, and was in the middle of potty training, and was hungry. All of that is the perfect circle of hell, one that any parent will relate to when I say, I truly wondered if I should have had kids. There will be poop on your shirt and hands more then I wish I could say, and if you have a boy, will undergo the joy of constantly being peed on. No, none of this felt like the right time.

But the other side of all of that are those quiet moments when the infant is asleep on your chest and you see nothing but perfection. When you experience the individuality of your child and just treasure who they are becoming. Or when they roll over one night out of the blue and say “I love you dada” . Everything feels light, and less worrisome. You are whole. And that is why there is never a good time for kids. You create the right time.