ADHD DAD: COPING WITH AND MANAGING ADHD
COPING WITH AND MANAGING ADHD
There is no greater enemy for an adult with ADHD than time management. Toss in lack of sleep, stress of having a newborn and adjusting to the dynamics of a developing personality, managing money, and any 100’s of other things to worry about – managing time becomes critical.
For me, this was perhaps the greatest challenge. My “old” life consisted of work, working out, TV with the wife. Weekends were free and fun, some family obligations here and there, but mostly spent my time trying to relax and embrace life.
Once the child was born, that changed very quickly. Be prepared for your partner to be pretty much incapacitated for the first 30-60 days. All my partner was able to do was basically feed the child and rest. One thing a parenting book never told me to expect was that childbirth is nothing short of major surgery. Especially if your partner has a C-Section. Which is actual surgery. Recovery from birth is a long process, and yes, painful for your spouse. My job went from wanting to be “dad” to being overflow support for childcare and doing whatever I could to support the household. This meant, cooking, cleaning, going to the store for any number of items needed (I will give you a post birth list later in the book). Certainly, there were times of deep connection between me and my son, but those were not constant as to be honest, all the baby wanted was “mama”. And for good reason, she was the source of all his food and comfort. He had known her his whole life.
Now toss ADHD into that mix. As a person I am naturally chaotic and disorganized. One of my most crippling features of ADHD is an inability to look ahead and see what might be needed down the road – and the crux of this becomes time management.
Being a new dad is literally a full-time job. One that you must be prepared to take on. When I took my new “job”, I had no clue what I was in for. Add in my constant overwhelm from ADHD, and things got ugly quickly.
Here are some things that I would suggested to effectively manage your time. Ideally you want to start practicing all of this before the baby is born. The sooner the better. Trying to start new habits and routines whilst experiencing lack of sleep and with emotions running high is doomed to fail:
Get organized. Create systems and routines to help you keep track of appointments, deadlines, and other important tasks. Use checklists and reminders to help you stay on track. Use your phone to set calendar appointments for deadlines and appointments. Bullet Journal or some other note taking mechanism for others. Whatever you use, a daily view of your appointments, deadlines and important tasks is VITAL. Establishing a care routine is something we did right at the start. My wife is NOT a morning person, but I am. So we tried to make it so she was on till midnight and I would wake up with the kid at like 3 or 4am and handle him till she got up mid-morning. Having a balance between the parents, I think not only helped us know what to expect, but also helped our son get time to bond with each of us.
Break down large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. This will make the tasks seem less daunting and help you to stay focused. Need to build a nursery? Need to move? There are a ton of major life changes that accompany a new baby. Baby stepping into them will be vital for you as someone with ADHD. Breaking down projects into individual tasks and goals you can add to your calendar is extremely helpful.
Delegate tasks to others. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your partner, children, or other family members. Because of the pandemic, we did not have this option and it was sort of brutal. We had no family help and friends could not come over since we didn’t really know anything about Covid at the time. Today, things are very different. If we had another kid, the first thing I would do is create a “care calendar” to allow family members to sign up to help us out. Sometimes with ADHD, I get stuck in my pride and feel like a burden asking for help. Please don’t make that mistake. People want to help. Ask them. Even if it’s something as silly as going to the store for diapers, ask them.
Take breaks. If you are feeling overwhelmed, take a break to clear your head. Get some exercise, spend time in nature, or do something else that you enjoy. With a newborn this can be a challenge. But it’s vital and I think, my biggest mistake as a new parent. When I speak of taking breaks, I don’t mean going for a family walk. I mean you are spending time alone. With the newborn, partner and rotating cast of family and friends coming around, there are people with you 24/7 it seems. For me to survive in the world, I need 30 minutes to an hour alone with music turned up all the way, writing, running, anything except being a dad. I need time to just be ME. So, take breaks, let your wife or partner know “I need to get out and get some air”. I would also challenge you to have conversations that don’t involve the kid, instead talk about your feelings about having the kid. Focus on your own mental wellbeing.
Seek professional help. If you are struggling to manage your symptoms on your own, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. They can help you to develop a treatment plan that is right for you. This is where my Godsend of a coach came into play. I had a solid therapist and coach helping guide me and my ADHD. I also surrounded myself with other dads early on and as things got hectic, tried to reach out to them for support. Find a tribe.
You can work with your partner to schedule your alone time and your therapy and coaching. The more you can plan your scheduling, the better for everyone involved. This will allow you to focus on the important thing – BEING A DAD.. but balancing that with being a human. My life ran like a train pulling into stations on a schedule.