Authentic Men

I can recall a few years back after my divorce, I was living in small studio back house in Torrance and was pretty destitute. Not just financially, but also internally I was pretty ruined. My confidence was at an all time low I had been living a really good life - cars, nice condo with an ocean view, a seemingly important job that paid well - all the things that looked like success. 

Then it all started to feel less real. I felt depressed every day, I hated the trap of my life. Working so many hours to collect more things and continually feeling like i had to prove to the world that I was something or someone. 

It was then that I fell into this trap of an “authentic” man. I spent countless dollars and time researching this topic, trying to become a more real man and stop feeling like a fraud. 

In some ways this pursuit was a great thing for me. It forced me to look at myself, my past, my mistakes and everything that had led me to where I was at that moment. I saw my marital problems in a glaring fashion and as I started to date again, saw my lack of confidence and how I felt so alone all of the time. 

This pursuit led me through the “pick up artist” genre, the “native man” ideas, reading books on masculinity and the role of men through the ages and into the work of Dr. Glover and No More Mr. Nice Guy. At the time, I never saw it, but so much of the content was pointing to this over arching idealism of being a man and was filled with people willing to take your dollars to show you. A lot of this stuff grazed that line between self help and toxic masculinity. This idea of men who are all powerful and that women really do just want a guy who will slay their dragons, earn lots of money and even lie to get women to fall under their spell. In these circles, there was an idea of being who you wanted to be - to get a mate and even try and conqueror as many women as possible. I read books on how to be a good lover, how real men handle their women and podcasts where dudes talked about how to be “better dudes”. 

You would think that after thousands of dollars, hours reading and listening to podcasts, I would have become this glowing example of masculinity. I was not. I was chasing this idea of masculinity that was baked into my mind by great sales people and writers. 

This is my opinion, the authentic male movement was born from the same toxic masculinity and pick up artist community from the 2000’s. Once this community recognized that tide was turning against just getting a girl to being a better guy - they shifted gears and created this idea of being “authentic”. Camps were created where men sat by fires to get in touch with their inner warrior and howl at the moon in an unabandoned raw environment with other shirtless men. The tagline of each saying something about learning to GET REAL

Although its true, men need other men. We need to learn to support each other's complex emotional, testosterone fueled inner world. And these experience based retreats provided that. I made great friends in some of these groups. BUt the friendships lasted as along as the retreat and the after care groups lasted. Eventually we all retreated back to our man caves and presumably our old lives with a cool experience to talk about. A lot of positive things came from these trips - learning to share in a deeply profound way to strangers, finding and navigating emotional worlds, learning somatic techniques to shift energies. The overall theme being that once you do these certain things - you will elevate yourself into authenticity. You will be changed. 

The idea of a man showing another man who they are authentically today - to me- seems a little crazy. Men are all such complex individuals. I have coached a lot of men in my time and not once have I pulled out a “program” that fit every man’s individual needs and frailties. 

In essence the idea of learning to be authentic is in itself - unauthentic. The crux of the issue being that the goal ends up with a self imposed label (or being graduated by another group of men to the status of authentic). In essence that pursuit is one of achievement, of being called something - proving through a course of action and exercises created by someone else that you are indeed, elevated to this authentic state. 

I spent a lot of time and money in this pursuit, hoping to ascend into this new realm of understanding of myself and the world. In the end, what did I find? It was all BS. 

Certainly there was value in learning to open up with others, ask myself some really tough questions, but the pitch men kept telling me if I did these things - there would be a reward. An elevation of my mind, body and spirit. Like when I was newly sober and they said “work the steps” and I would get ever lasting immunity from alcohol and be a better person. If I did the “work” I would get the result. And in AA, they were right. My life got way better. But after a while, I learned I was doing better to please my sponsor and this group I was in. I wanted approval and acceptance. The same theme arrived in trying to be authentic. I wanted to be approved of and liked by the groups I was in. And when I moved up “levels” with some of these groups and did rituals that were rites of passage, I also gained approval of others. 

The pursuit of authenticity was a course set out by men who were making a lot of money off the story I sold myself. I need to be more “REAL”. 

My experience now, after being in coaching and actually trying to apply some of the lessons I learned those years ago with clients is that they don’t work for everyone. And even more so, for myself - it was all a major let down. The friendships faded, the groups kept going but once I reached all the levels I could get to - more investment was needed. Those moments screaming at the moon in the desert were fleeting, inspired moments of change that never took hold. The program did change me, but that change could not last because it was a sudden emotional shift, not one cemented with consistent follow up and follow through. The contact became a daily deluge of emails from various teachers offering other classes, books, podcasts and items to sell me to continue my path.

The question then, is what is authenticity ? To me it does not involves screaming shirtless at the moon. Nor does it require a campfire with other men learning how to cry. Its truth. 

Its knowing and owning your truth about your strengths and weaknesses. I , with a therapist and another coach, learned some really important things about myself. That I bring a unique set of traits, skills and talents to every situation I am in and to embrace these things. 

I also learned about my traumas, their impact on my life today and how those fuel the things I tell myself. Learning to find and recognize your self talk and how its fueling your present course is vital to self understanding. 

Lastly, I learned that these weaknesses  are just as important as my strengths. These also needed and required acceptance in order to fully understand and appreciate who I am. 

But the most important thing I have learned over the years….How to forgive. 

How to forgive others and have compassion and how to forgive myself and have compassion. 

If there is a truly authentic place to live from - its the ability to see and forgive myself and others for the things that have happened and the story it fed about various circumstances in my own life. This journey is different for every individual. Its not easy, nor is it one that I think can be taught, its an exploration. Not a method. It's bypassing, not confronting. 

The other most important thing I could say that happened for me - I learned true presence. Last night, my wife and kid were at the dinner table and I saw them sitting there and had a moment of warmth in my soul. I felt like a family. It was a depth of presence I had not experienced before, and yet the scene was as normal as any other Thursday night But it touched me. And those moments - that is authenticity and it is a moment no one showed me how to have. It just happened. 

For us ADHD folks.. These moments are fleeting - we are so busy internally and these classes on finding the answer is fueled by this desire to rid myself of RSD and the other negative bias in my mind. In many ways, I misdiagnosed myself as someone with an authenticity problem when really I had an ADHD problem. Treated my RSD and overall ADHD with a coach and therapist are the things that really changed my life. Seeing my value and understanding what fuels my passions and interests created the ability to appreciate myself, my frailties and strengths and contributions to the lives of others. This , to me, is authenticity.