ADHD 101: Why Do I Push People Away or Loose Friends?
Why Is It that I tend to loose friends, push people away or generally feel alone?
One aspect of ADHD is a persistent feeling of loneliness. In particularly when you are amongst non-adhd individuals. ADHD impacted individuals not only have a negative bias towards most things in their life, but also as Dr. William Dodson explains it – Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
This mood disorder (as classified by Dr. Dodson) is not a disorder of moods per say, but of the quality and intensity of moods. The intensity of our moods take on their own form outside of the individuals life and out of their conscious control, unless interrupted.
RSD is a component of our ADHD landscape hinged off emotional over sensitivity and the intensity of emotions felt by ADHD impacted individuals. ADHD people do not have mood disorders in the normal diagnostic sense of the word, but have an over sensitivity to their emotions – they more intense – this means that an individual with ADHD traits will experience higher highs and lower lows. This emotional over sensitivity coupled with RSD makes a person with ADHD more prone to either people pleasing or simply withdrawing.
RSD can be plainly described as feeling more sensitive to rejection, teasing, criticism and or an internal feeling/perception that they are somehow falling short, failed or are presently failing. This coupled with the inherit negative bias of ADHD creates an environment of potential depression and isolation.
In my own case, RSD fueled my constant comparisons between myself and neurotypicals in my life and served as evidence to feed my RSD and depression.
“They have a better job then me”
“She would never go out with me”
“I am such a loser, why can’t I get my life together”
“how will I ever get out of debt, I am not worthy of nice things”
“If they really knew me, they would abandon me”
“ I will probably be alone forever”
“People don’t like me”
These are some of the constant, swirling thoughts that occupied my mind while in total ignorance of the system at work in my brain. These are both conscious and unconscious thoughts and if I was actually rejected, it would be a confirmation of these thoughts.
Some features of RSD described by Dr. Dodson:
- Acknowledged by 98-99% of adolescents and adults with ADHD
- For 30% of those with ADHD, RSD is the most impairing aspect of their ADHD
- Being triggered by a person’s perception or imagination that someone has withdrawn their love, approval, or respect
- Or the person may have done this to himself when he has not met his own high standards of performance
When triggered, RSD can look instantaneous and the person can be driven into a deep depression with suicidal impulses when internalized. When externalized, RSD manifests in an emotional outburst; flash rage at the person or situation that so severely wounded them. Fifty (50) percent of people mandated to anger management for rage related crimes (road rage for example) had previously unrecognized ADHD.
Making matters worse, when the ADHD impacted individual experiences a triggering episode of RSD (real or imagined) , confused friends, relatives and loved ones will try to resolve the emotional wounds with advice giving, frustration and at times even more rejection! The perception of these judgements and criticism (or bypassing) further internalize the idea that the impacted individual is defective, alone, better off isolated and has – well.. failed. Instead of engaging in conversations about fixing the wound, the triggered individuals actually need understanding feed back around emotional regulation and reminders of previous successes and joys.
A well trained coach or therapist can spot RSD and start dismantling pieces of the belief system, uncovering the negative bias running through the individuals mindset. I personally looked at every social interaction I had with heart pounding fear of being “found out”. Or usually felt less then anyone else in my own social circles or amongst strangers. I may not have even had a conversation with someone and “knew” they hated me or felt I was less then. These are the subtle workings of RSD. When actually rejected (or felt criticized or judged) I would internalize the feeling. Sinking into my own world of unworthiness and make a decision not to risk sharing myself in that way ever again. This effected me greatly as a video maker. Every time I would post a new piece of work, I would go into hiding. I would avoid social media so as to not experience the criticism I might receive. I experienced this early in my life as well as a writer and even further back trying to play sports when not particularly athletic. RSD in many ways “kept” me from putting myself out there, being vulnerable to the world and thus stayed “hidden” - settling to survive life rather then take risks and thrive.
RSD is the core part of my ADHD and why I would choose loneliness, push away people who were getting “too close” ( I felt judged or afraid of being judged by them) or loose friends due to my emotional outbursts or over sensitivity. It became mutually too painful for us to interact.
RSD is a complex issue and it does not impact all ADHD individuals. But the pathway to clearing this up for myself is a daily piece of work. I try to remind myself where I am and what I am focusing on. Is what I am focusing on serving me? Checking in to see if I was really rejected or if I am just simply experiencing a perception of rejection.
One thing that is a constant for ADHD impacted individuals to consider is simply movement. Getting out for a walk or run with positive music has been shown to actually elevate moods, change perspectives and give ADHD people a chance for much needed self reflection and has been studied to improve mood, encourage stability and add to the quality of life. Participation in passion based activities is a cure all for RSD in many respects as the ADHD impacted individual can focus on things that provide zest to their life (strength based alignment). Of most importance is awareness of the over driving aspect of our emotional natures. Knowing that our emotions are on hyper drive so any thing experienced is experienced at a heightened level. Well trained coaches and therapist are of the utmost importance to not only recognize RSD, but also work with the individual to find ways through it. This involves questioning and filtering out belief systems, focus on accomplishments while not totally disregarding the experience of the individual. I have never, personally, grown by bypassing my thought life. I have grown my having a supportive individual (sometimes my coach, sometimes my wife, sometimes just myself!) question these ideas and belief systems and learn to discard them.
When we question why we are so alone or feel lonely – RSD is one contributing factor for most people with ADHD. This concern for rejection and the intense pain experienced as a result is a primary driver for my own isolation and loneliness. Awareness, coaching and therapy have all worked to help with this issue in my life.
If you are struggling with RSD and want to work on getting past it, lets have an honest conversation :