Insecurity Is Not Sexy

If you spend any time reading or taking workshops on “how to get a girl” , there is one universal truth that they all state and I actually have found is very true.

Insecurity is not sexy.

Yes, women want a confident man. A guy who can take charge, take the lead and in some ways – ride the white horse and slay their dragons. The metaphor here refers not to physical dragons, but actually to their inner dragon.

Afterall, a woman seeks to find comfort and security. They want to know that the mate they choose is able to handle their emotional world.

When I was going through the countless dating workshops and books, I would run into a brick wall at this idea. I felt like I was not good enough to hold someone’s emotional space, nor felt good enough about myself to offer anyone a feeling of security or comfort. Certainly I could do this at the surface for everyone in my life. I was, in fact, a person that others liked to lean on. And conversely, I loved to be leaned on. But under the surface, I was very insecure about myself and the things I had to give someone in my life.

Where most pick up artist stuff went astray for me (and maybe I misunderstood it all, I was in a pretty dark, painful, desperate place at the time) is that I was not able to confidently maintain a caricature of myself. Nor was I comfortable working some sort of game to “fake it and make it” to pick up women. Because honestly, I was not looking just to pick up women and gain notches in my belt nor use them to build confidence. I was looking for meaning.

I used to know the look of my shoes really well from looking down at them. I could not look the world straight into the eye. Why did I feel so awful about myself and who I was?

If you go back in time, the answers are pretty obvious to most observers.. But to me it was not super clear. I had some pretty heavy childhood experiences. From the early trauma of my dad passing to physical abuse. And certainly, I could sit in a therapist’s office and talk about my past at length and cry about it. Those well meaning men and women figured the best thing for me to do would be to re-experience and relive the nightmare and get it out of my system. But this did not help me get girls, nor build my confidence. Actually, I found myself believing that I was somehow a victim. That “life” (God or whatever spiritual leaning you have) was against me and my own happiness. The childhood I had was evidence of this. With each session, I felt the shame of digging backwards and into the abandonment I felt as  kid and how that feeling of emptiness was still kicking inside of me twenty years later. Fortunately or unfortunately, I was not able to just “get over it”. I actually became more ashamed.

Shame manifests in a couple different forms, but for me it was that constant stare at my shoes. It was my inability to connect with other people and even try to approach a woman. And likewise, the women I really found attractive were not going for me. Why? Insecurity is not sexy.

The undoing process of this is not something you can read in a book or take a workshop. At least for me. It took years of undoing many life long stories that I had told myself.

One of the first stories I had to get rid of- I am not a mistake. Sure, I was flawed, but I am not a mistake.

Second, I had to get in touch with the things that I value and what I brought to any situation. This required some DEEP soul searching. I had to look at myself objectively, notate my accomplishments and start owning the things I had actually been able to do in my life that were good.

Lastly, I had to have a friend, coach and mentor along with me for the journey. My coach helped guide me into action around the things in my life I wanted to achieve. And in doing things that pushed me out of my comfort zone, taking control of choices in my life that aligned with the things I valued and wanted to create..I started to be able to look the world in the eye. I began to see myself as perhaps, others saw me.

I accepted my vulnerability. I accepted my sensitivity and creativity. Some of the things that I used to be ashamed of turned into strengths.

The result, I had game. But not some game some just as insecure guy taught me over a weekend. It was MY game. A full integration of who I am and what I am with no apologies either way.

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