The worst we can be ignorant. There is the old saying “ignorance is bliss” and for the Nice Guy this can be very true. Sure, he might feel that something is “off” but so long as there is no awareness to what the actual problem might be then, all is well!
When I read No More Mr Nice Guy, it struck me how deeply some of the old childhood wounds had impacted me. I had certainly talked about the STORY at length in therapy, but never in how it was impacting my ways of dealing with and seeing the world. All of the puzzle pieces suddenly fit. Year later when I got with my first coach; that is when it started to make real sense.
The issue was not that I had been the child of an abusive alcoholic. Nor was it that was inherently a bad person. It was the way in which I choose to believe to see the world and my place in it. It was the backstory that was running in my mind 24/7 without a break.
When people talk about closing up old wounds, healing and moving on.. I don’t actually believe you do this. If you are someone who has suffered actual, severe trauma in your life. I think you can, certainly get “better” but in my experience, I can still be triggered. I can still feel the old pain. But I can be aware. I can live differently, I can think and act differently and that to me – is moving on. Eventually, the heat of the pain is not as intense. Especially as I learn to be present in my own experience.
Therapy helped put some things into perspective, especially as far as being a Nice Guy. In dealing with really tragic, traumatic events in my life – it helped to have a safe, trusted workspace to cry it out. To howl about the unfairness I saw in the world, and let the pain get processed out of my body and my mind.
But coaching helped with the closure of that trauma. I trusted my coach implicitly. He created a safe place and spoke from a place of deep truth. He took me through a process where my own value was revealed to me. And more than anything, building my value system, my self-esteem, my sense of who I am and what I am about created massive movement in me. It changed me. The old wounds could still hurt, but it was not a place of self pity from where I feel the hurt. I feel bad that my father missed out on my life. And that likewise, I missed out on his. I know he was hurting and in pain. So yes, I can still feel the pain, but it’s not that searing, self hatred, punishing pain. It floats in and floats out like a cool breeze. This change happened by trusting someone. But really looking at life through a different lens. The lens of the worth I have as an individual. I am not a product of circumstance, but of how I choose to live out my story.
And for me, that is closure enough for all of those old wounds and tragedies.